


Smelling Fishy

by cteranodon



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Explicit Language, Fluff, M/M, Public Display of Affection, Shopping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-11
Updated: 2017-12-11
Packaged: 2019-02-13 12:11:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12983805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cteranodon/pseuds/cteranodon
Summary: Keith and Lance are on a date to the space mall, and Lance shares one of his longstanding hobbies from back on Earth - studying the world's best insults.(Lightweight, fluffy, and goofy. Minor S4 spoilers.)





	Smelling Fishy

**Author's Note:**

  * For [onlyinafigurativesense](https://archiveofourown.org/users/onlyinafigurativesense/gifts).



“All I’m saying is, we have a chance to make some real cultural exchanges here.” Lance gestured at the space mall around him. “This mall is Alliance-controlled now! This time, we don’t have to worry about space pirates or bounty hunters or Barkon or… whatever that mall cop’s name was.”

“Wasn’t it… Narkon?” Keith shook his head. “Anyway, not sure I trust your idea of a ‘cultural exchange’.”

“Don’t get excited, Keith, I’m on a date with _you_. I’m not _that_ bad, am I?” Lance got in front of Keith and grinned at him, walking backwards ahead of Keith’s pace. “Guess I never mentioned it, but one of my hobbies back home was insult-collecting.”

“…Insult-collecting?” Keith arched an eyebrow and tried to sound incredulous, but he was conscious of half of his mouth forming a smile against his will.

“Sure!” Lance spun back around to Keith’s side, and in the same motion slipped his hand into Keith’s and held it tight. “Never know when you’re gonna run into somebody who just needs a verbal thrashing, right? So, I decided to find all the best insults from around the world. I… really need you to appreciate how much research I put into this, because it was a lot.”

“So, lay some on me, then,” Keith said.

“No, not _now_!” Lance gestured once again all around him, at the hundreds of aliens from dozens of different planets. “You don’t know who here I’m gonna get the chance to strike up a conversation with. And they’ll share a good insult with me if I share something with them!”

“You’re really getting into this mall’s capitalist spirit,” Keith said dryly.

“I just know a good opportunity when I see one.” Lance’s eyes scanned the crowd. His thumb, meanwhile, brushed against Keith’s, and Keith found himself marveling at how delicate Lance’s touch could be. He could grip something like a vice, but when he wanted, his fingers could be soft enough to calm the tides.

_Great, now he’s turning me into a poet._

“Excuse me, you there, could I interest you in this WonderScrub?”

“Wonder- _what_?” Lance, being a person who’s easily made interested, turned to find the source of the voice.

“Yes!” The vendor held up a square of some exotic-looking fabric. “The WonderScrub! Cleans any surface! You can WonderScrub the hull of your ship and then use it to clean your delicates, no problem. Just get it wet and it’ll wipe all your stress away!”

“That’s exactly what I need more of in my life,” Lance said.

“We’re not interested.” Keith decided he’d ignore Lance’s comment for now. The vendor hadn’t recognized him, but he’d recognized the vendor.

Lance faced Keith and spoke quietly. “Are you sure? This thing seems pretty useful. I mean, think of the favors Hunk would owe us if we made KP a ten-minute job from now on.”

“Look, I’ve been thinking of cleaning up the castle kitchen more often anyway, it’s nice of him to insist we not eat space goo every meal, and it’s not fair for us to call it KP and then make Hunk do it all the time. But besides…” Keith leaned in to whisper in Lance’s ear. “This is the guy who tried to steal my dagger.”

“Ohhh.” Lance turned to the vendor. “Yeah, sorry. _Que te folle un pez_.”

“I don’t know what that means.”

“Means have a nice day.” Lance waved to the vendor, and walked away with Keith in tow.

Keith waited until they were at a safe distance before asking. “So what did that actually mean?”

“Well, a direct translation would be like ‘I hope you get fucked by a fish.’ It’s kinda more like ‘go fuck a fish’ if you’re looking for the right _feeling_. That one’s from Spain, one of the best insults from planet Earth and only one of the few good things to ever come out of Spain. Aside from a few very, _very_ pretty people, of course.”

Keith chuckled at the insult, then found himself laughing some more over the fact that Lance of all people was the one peddling it.

“What’s so funny?” Lance asked as Keith’s laugh grew disproportionately long.

“Well, if I remember right, you met a race of fish people, didn’t you?” Keith was finding the irony too delicious. “And didn’t you have a crush on at least one of them?”

Keith kept walking for two steps. If he’d taken a third, he might have yanked Lance, who had stopped dead in his tracks.

“Wh… what’s wrong?” Keith asked him after a pause.

“I’m a fish fucker…”

“What now?”

“Well, I didn’t _actually_ fuck a fish, but that’s not the point.” Lance gave Keith a despondent look. “I’d thought that insult was great because I thought of fish-fucking as a desperate and probably unethical thing to do—”

“Only probably?”

“But now I’ve met sapient fish people! I flirted with them! I mean, think about it! If I was on that planet, and somebody came up to me and said ‘que te folle un pez,’ I’d have probably been like ‘yeah, I agree’! _I’m the fish fucker_!” He ran his free hand through his hair, and heaved an agitated sigh. “How many more of my insults aren’t any good for life outside Earth?”

Keith hadn’t realized that pointing out the contradiction would lead to a spiraling crisis. “Hey, that’s no way to be. Isn’t that why you’re here?”

“What do you mean?”

“You said it yourself, you’re looking for insults from outside Earth.” Keith stepped a bit closer to Lance. “Here of all places, there are sure to be tons of people with insults that are up to interstellar snuff.”

Lance smiled weakly. “Yeah. Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

“Besides, you never asked me what _my_ best insults are.”

Lance grinned now. “Alright. Let’s hear em.”

“Well, that’s just it.” Keith gave what he hoped was a comically serious look. “Sometimes, you can’t come prepared with your best insult. Sometimes, you just gotta look your target in the eyes, reach in, and grab the last thing they want to hear.” He gestured with his chin towards the vendor they’d passed by. “Like that guy. Imagine if I’d told him his voice is grating and untrustworthy.”

“I thought his voice was okay—”

“Not the point. What if I told him that? It could bounce right off him, or it could nag at him for a year, maybe more.”

“I see… Interesting stuff.” Lance rubbed his chin dramatically. “You’re wrong about one thing, though.”

“Am I?”

“Yeah, you said I’m here to boost my insult collection?” Lance squeezed Keith’s hand. “But you forgot, I’m here to spend time with _you_.” He leaned in, and planted a kiss on Keith’s forehead. “Because you deserve a good, relaxing, fun day!”

Keith was sure he was turning an exciting new shade of red, and he worked furiously to force down the undulating facial expression Lance’s kiss had brought on.

“When is that gonna stop working so well.” Lance shook his head. “You can’t let me hold that kind of power over you, Keith!”

 _That does it._ Keith grabbed Lance by the neck, brought him close, and kissed him square on the lips. It was clear, in the aftermath, given Lance’s confounded expression and his stunned silence, Keith’s play had worked.

“Well then _you_ can’t let me do you like that, either, Lance.” Keith turned and began walking. “Now let’s go learn some culture.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed! Just a silly idea I had and decided to put to paper. First contribution to anything Voltron. Let me know what you think!


End file.
